She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
