I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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