Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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