she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
