Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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