People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
