so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
