JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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