i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
should my penis look like a turkey
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
