Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
