Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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