That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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