All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
