I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
