Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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