I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
