I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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