the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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