Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
