I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
