my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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