Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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