turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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