Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
