And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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