I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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