you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
