i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
