I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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