She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just forgot I was standing up.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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