I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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