It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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