I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You've changed since you got that strap on
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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