just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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