he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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