dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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