The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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