yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
