somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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