Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
