He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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