How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you win again, gameday.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
