i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
