yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
