Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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