I think my fart just growled at me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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