my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
