You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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