I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
