a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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