He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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