He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize