Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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