Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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