Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
