I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
