Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
