Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
