alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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