can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i love accidental penises.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
