so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
