Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
