You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize